things that drive me batty

1. When people don't take their shopping carts to the cart return. Um, seriously, you couldn't walk the extra 10 feet to put your dang cart in the stall? Your stupid cart is taking up the only free parking space. Now I have to get out of my car and move the cart before I can park. Thanks a lot!

2. It's SHOULD HAVE not SHOULD OF. Goodness people, learn correct grammar!

3. Also, when did it become it become socially acceptable to spell things incorrectly?

4. When I can't find the song. You know, the one I heard on the radio while at the mall or in the background of that one episode of that one show. I spend hours googling and nothing. Drat!

5. When people don't use their turn signals! Also, people who generally drive like they have their eyes closed.

6. When someone texts me and I text right back, but they don't respond. Like, did you die in the 30 seconds it took me to reply?

7. Girls that get really done up to go to the gym--and then leave looking exactly the same as when they came in. I'm sorry, but if your eyeliner didn't smudge and your forehead isn't shiny, what the heck were you doing here? Because seriously, I looked okay when I came in, but after my workout I am downright scary looking.

8. Boys who have better hair than I do. Just, ugh. 

9. This.

What things make you crazy?

letters to my younger self

It's amazing the things that come to you in retrospect. There are times when I wish I could time travel and go back and talk a little bit of sense into my younger self, or just go back and tell myself that things will get better and to have a little faith.

Dear hard working Jana,

I know making $1,000 a month and having no bills makes you feel like you're living pretty large. But girl, did you really need to buy those $225 Prada sunglasses or treat your bestie to a $75 dinner just because you could? You'll be wanting that money down the road...(think future house!). So slow down on the spending!

Dear hopelessly in "love" Jana,

You are not going to marry that boy! You are 16 for crying out loud and don't know who you are yet! Give yourself a chance to figure out who you are without that boy (and without any boy for that matter). Focus on you! Give yourself the chance to be a kid and live in the moment. Stop worrying about the future. Just let it be. You'll love what comes later. Promise. :)

Dear stubborn teenage Jana,

Give Mom a break, okay? You have no idea how hard she has it. There will come a day when you will realize how wise she is and you will regret that you discounted her wisdom and sassed her when she was trying to help you. You're going to feel really silly about that one day. Also, you should know that once you have your own baby, your relationship with Mom becomes. So. AWESOME! So look forward to that.

Dear getting ready from homecoming Jana,

Don't cut through the gas station parking lot on the way to get the flowers for the boutonnieres. You're gonna pop the tire and feel like an idiot when Dad has to leave work to rescue you.

Speaking of driving, Dear Jana, when Michael finally gives in and says you can borrow his truck to run a quick errand, just say no thank you. You end up crashing that thing into the gate and costing Dad a pretty penny to fix it. That, and despite asking him not to, Michael tells everyone what you did and you feel pretty stupid. 

Dear eighth grade Jana,

When Wes Enns asks if you still have the matches you used for your science project, don't give them to him. He lights your project on fire while you guys are taking it to the dumpster and you get suspended for being an "accomplice". So unfair, right?

What would you tell your younger self?

when friendships get toxic

I think the majority of us have had at least one toxic friendship during our lifetimes. You may even be in one now. Sometimes the toxicity is really obvious, sometimes it's harder to spot.

I had a toxic friend once. I met her in junior high and I called her my best friend for 8 years before I realized she wasn't good for me. The thing with toxic friendships is they don't always start out that way. When I met this girl, we became really fast friends. We had so much in common and we spent all of our free time together. We knew each other's darkest, scariest secrets. We were fiercely loyal to each other. If you had told me then that in a few years my friendship with her would start to take it's toll on my physical health, emotional well being, and relationship with God, I would have laughed in your face and called you crazy--but you would have been right.

This friend of mine had some really crazy things happening within her family--stuff that led her to become very depressed, even tending towards suicide. I stuck by her through the times she ran away from home, took her late night phone calls when she felt like she was losing it, and even convinced my parents to let her stay with us for a few weeks so I could keep a closer eye on her when things were really bad. My grades suffered, and my physical health declined because I was focusing all of my energy on keeping my friend alive. I knew of course, that this situation wasn't good for me.

This friend of mine refused to go to counseling. She relied on me for nearly everything. My parents constantly tried to tell me that this wasn't my responsibility--I was fourteen at the time and shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff. I lied to them about how my friend was doing so they would stay off my back.

Eventually, after we graduated high school, my friend's depression got much better. However, she continued to do self destructive things like fool around with boys and experiment with drugs. She stopped going to church. I tried to stick by her through it all because I felt she needed me. She continually put me in bad situations, relying I was starting to feel a great deal of negativity creep into my life. Because of my closeness with her, her apathy towards God was beginning to rub off on me. I knew something had to change.

When I approached my friend and told her how her actions were affecting me, she immediately got defensive. She told me that if I didn't stick by her, I wasn't being a good friend. She listed all the times she had been there for me. She said awful, hurtful things to me, and essentially tried to bully me into seeing things her way. This wasn't the first time this had happened. Every time I would tell her I needed some space or that her actions were harming me, she would manipulate me into thinking I was in the wrong, and I would keep on the same bath we had been on.

That last time was the final straw. I told her we were done. I stopped seeing her. She continued to lash out at me through texts, emails and Facebook, telling me hurtful things like, "you are abusive and manipulative" and "I hope for the sake of your marriage you can figure out how to fix yourself". 

A few months later, I heard from a mutual friend who was her roommate for a while that this friend had said, "I like it best when I'm in a relationship and Jana is single. That way she isn't distracted from my needs."

Wow. I don't miss that relationship.

When I look back, I realize that if I hadn't said goodbye to her when I did, I probably wouldn't be married to my husband now. This friend and I parted ways just as Dustin and I started our relationship. Had I still been friends with her, I don't think I would have had the time or the emotional energy to date my husband.

I learned a lot of things from this experience. The first of them being, listen to your parents. They noticed the toxicity and emotional abuse in this relationship long before I did. They even another friend's mom, who was a counselor and knew my friendship with this girl well try and explain how bad this relationship was for me. I wish I had listened to my parents and said goodbye to this girl years before I finally had the guts to do so.

The second thing I learned is there is a fine line between being a good friend and letting someone walk all over you. I had to learn that if this girl was truly my friend, she wouldn't have wanted to hurt me in the way she was. She would have been as considerate of my needs as I was being of hers. If that isn't the case, then it isn't a friendship. It's emotional abuse.

I had to learn that it was okay for me to say goodbye. It was so hard for me, but I'm so glad I did it. 

Have you ever had a toxic relationship? How did you end it?

surprise visit to oma's

A couple of months ago, I asked my dad if he would split the cost of a plane ticket for Joshua and me to fly down to Albuquerque to surprise my mom on her birthday. He thought the idea was brilliant and offered to pay for the whole thing (sweet!).

On Tuesday, Joshua and I packed our bags (well, I packed our bags anyway) and we headed to the airport. Sadly, we had to leave daddy behind, because he had to work. 

Traveling by yourself with a baby is an interesting experience to say the least. I am so grateful for my Ergobaby carrier, because I don't think I could have made it through the airport without it--besides the kid, I still had to carry the diaper bag, my carry on suitcase, and the car seat through security. I was pleasantly surprised to find that the people in line with me were incredibly sweet about how long it was taking me to get all of my stuff on the conveyor belt to have it x-rayed. Many people offered their assistance, which was definitely welcomed.

Joshua did great through security and was happy as can be until take off. As soon as we got to the cruising altitude, he just lost it. The poor baby screamed the entire flight. I think his ears were bothering him. I felt so bad for the kid. It wasn't until 5 minutes before we landed that his ears must have finally popped and he just zonked out from pure exhaustion. 

As we deplaned, many of the passengers said things like, "You did such a good job momma!" or, "I know just how that feels! Flying with kids is so hard." Everyone was very sweet, and one nice lady helped me carry my bags and the car seat all the way to the curb where my dad picked me up. My flight got in just as he was getting off work, so my mom had no idea he was even picking me up.

Once we got to my parents house, my dad and I pulled out our phones so we could record my mom's reaction to see me and her grandbaby. Unfortunately for us, my mom was in the middle of getting ready to go out to dinner with my dad and was still in her undies. So I'm of course not allowed to post the video. Oh well. I'll just say, she was quite shocked to see us. So shocked that she screamed--which startled Joshua and he started crying. 

We had a wonderful couple of days with my parents.

We played in the grass, 

soaked up some sun, 

and clocked a lot of time in restaurant high-chairs. Just previous to this photo being taken, Joshua exploded his diaper just as we pulled into the restaurant parking lot. It got all over the car seat. That was quite an adventure. 

My sister Julie happened to be in town the same time that I was! I hadn't seen her for a couple of years. It was wonderful to visit with her, and Joshua finally got to meet his aunt!

Would you believe me if I told you my mom just turned 65? Or that my dad is 70?

Joshua sitting in my old high chair

I felt so lucky that I was able to squeeze in a quick visit to the girls I used to nanny. They are like family to me. Their mom is one of my all time favorite people--she hosted both my bridal shower and my baby shower. It was getting close to Joshua's bedtime, so he was little fussy while we were there, but it was so great to see the girls and their mom nonetheless. 

He loved playing peek-a-boo with Chandler. She had him giggling so much! I wish I had gotten a good shot of Presley holding him. Boo. :(

Our return trip went much better than the first one. Joshua did great on the flight back to Salt Lake City. I gleaned some helpful tips from other moms during my visit. I gave Joshua a low dose of Tylenol before we boarded and had him drink out of his sippy cup during takeoff so he would swallow. I think both things definitely helped. The older couple sitting behind us just adored Joshua. They played peek-a-boo with him and he just laughed and grinned and babbled the whole time. What a relief that was!

I'm so glad we got to have that visit with my parents, but we sure missed daddy while we were away! My dad was so sweet and gave me some money to take Dustin out to dinner when we got back. I missed my man like crazy!

insert clever title here

Favorite photo of myself and why? 

This one. Why? Because I was happy! I was with my mom and my sister-in-law taking my bridals. I was wearing the dress--the one that made me feel beautiful and confident. It was a gorgeous day in late April, and the weather was perfect for photos. It would start sprinkling occasionally, but I felt like that added to the charm of the day.

That day was perfect. I'm not usually terribly photogenic, but my sister-in-law is a pro at getting me to look good in photos. I think it's because she's not afraid to be incredibly vocal when I'm posing stupidly. She'll say, "Jana, lift your chin, you have fat face"--and I'm glad she does, because then I end up with photos like the one above. Photos where I can't find anything I don't like about myself. Those photos don't happen too frequently, so when they do, I treasure them. :)